Urgh, a horrible horrible man at work is talking about how left wing he is. While making homophobic remarks. People like him make me sick and embarassed to have anything to do with left wing/liberal politics. In his and his cronies minds it is just a fight for the white working class man. Anyone else's struggle just doesn't exist to him and are just used in cruel jokes. I hate that he is the 'liberal' voice of the office and everyone thinks he's really radical, when in fact he makes the Daily Mail look tame.

Lovefilm

Also, I've got my hands on 7 months of free rental from lovefilm. Anyone got any films, documentaries or games they think I should watch?

Time on my hands

I haven't decided yet whether I miss having the internet at home yet. I'm starting to think that I'm better off without it. I've been practising drawing and I'm starting to really like the way I draw, I did a whole sheet of facial expressions and I'm quite proud of them. Instead of the internet I might treat myself to a scanner so I can show you all this stuff!

Not being on the internet all evening (I sit on it all day at work) means that I've had a chance to do alot of reading and thinking that I think I have really cut myself off from for the last few years. I bought Gender Trouble by Judith Butler to read again and I'm hoping by the end of it I will have some more ideas about my 'queer' identity, which I want to write a zine about. I'm still on the look out for some less academic/more personal queer books and zines if anyone has any recommendations!

I've also been thinking alot about what I eat and consume, and I think I am going to take the plunge and go vegan (I can't be super strict as the medication I take contains animal derived products so it will need lots of research to replace these). Last night I baked a vegan chocolate and banana cake and that pretty much convinced me I can cut out dairy :)

It's been really nice, after so many years together (6 in August!) me and Dan still find new things to bond over. After both becoming obsessed with bikes we're now both becoming interested in sustainable and low impact lifestyles which I guess has been fueled by cycling. I find myself mroe and more thinking, 'I could just do that myself' and I finally feel like I am in a place where I can just do that. So this weekend I am going to clean out my cupboards of anything with animal or harmful products and replace or make everything with much kinder things.

Does anyone know of any good websites/blogs/books/zines about vegan baking/lifestyle or just more generally ethical living?

Wenches with Wrenches!

 image from laura of the women at grease rag who run a safe space for women and trans folk to learn about bikes! (check 'em out! grease rag)

So I think I know what I am going to do with my life. This probably sounds totally lame, but since I've started cycling my whole outlook on life has totally changed. I've always tried to be someone who lived by the D.I.Y ethic and I tried to keep active, live healthily and create as much as I can, but usually I'd just end up sitting at home on my laptop looking at things other people had done.

But then I bought a bike and started to cycle all the journeys I used to make by bus or tube. And I suddenly felt completely free, I wasn't paying extortionate amounts to sit on a crowed train and I could get there quicker. I could go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted. I really don't know how to describe the feeling of freedom that cycling gives you. I started to learn about the backstreets of London, see all the things you miss when you're stuck underground and I started to learn how to even fix my own bike.

The feeling of being able to do anything soon started to seep into other parts of my life, things that I've always wanted to do, I looked at again and thought, well why not? I never thought Girl Germs could become such a good night so easily, or that I could manage to be an alright dj for the whole night.

Now, instead of waking up late at the weekend and laying bed all day thinking about all the things we could do, me and Dan get out our bikes and cycle to somewhere new!

So, back to the plans. I've got to the point where I can't cope with sitting in this office anymore. I can no longer live with the thought that I am wasting 8 hours of my life every day sitting at a computer doing nothing. I need to do something that I am in control of, and I think that is what is going to happen.

Me, Lydia, Dan and Taki are working on a business plan to open a bike shop/cafe. It will be a social enterprise, so as well as selling bikes/parts and fixing bikes we will also provide education and training to people in the community.

But as well as this I am going to do a City and Guilds in Bicycle Mechanics. I put down the deposit today so it is definitely happening! It looks like a really great course, they teach you all kinds of repairs, and by the end you have built a bike up from scratch, you can even bring in your own frame and build your dream bike. And when you're done they can help you do a work placement with awesome bike shops like Brixton Cycles and Lunar Cycles, and getting a job somewhere like that until our bike shop is up and running would be amazing!

So, I've finally admitted that earning lots of money in an office job just isn't for me. I'm glad I've realised it now.

Moving on...

Lots of things have been happening recently and I'm starting to come out of that limbo stage my life has been in for the last few months. Now that things are starting to have some order again I hope that I will be able to keep everything in check like making sure I answer all the emails I get, send out all the zine trades etc etc blah blah.

So, what's been going on? Well, I finally moved into my new house. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, I like having my own space, but I'm feeling lonely already. My new flatmates aren't the warmest or most welcoming people in the world. But it will be a challenge to establish myself there, at the moment I feel a bit like a lodger and not a flatmate, that I have to fit in around them. Hopefully that will change.

My new place doesn't have the internet, which I think has turned out to be a good thing as I've now realised how much time I waste on it! So far I have restarted my art journal, done loads of embroidery, watched some films and listened to my entire record collection! I like that I now have to find ways to keep myself busy and entertained and I'm looking forward to all the good things that are going to come out of it.

I'll post some pictures of my room and the things I've been making soon. Also, this weekend me and Dan are going to take lots of pictures of the cat that lives in his garden called Fat Head, he really does have a massive head.

I feel queer....

Could anyone recommend me some good queer zines/blogs/books?

Lately I've seen it pop up in zines and blogs I've read and I feel quite drawn to it as an idea. I don't know if it is something I'd want to identify as, cos it seems to be something beyond labels, but I think it could help me with some of the crap I've been feeling and thinking lately.

I just don't feel like anything lately, I don't feel "feminine" or particularly "masculine." I don't know if I'm attracted to men or women, or just people? I've always found the sexuality bit confusing, and hard to talk about because I am going out with a guy so everyone just assumes I am heterosexual and if I ever bring it up I feel like I have to justify having a boyfriend or people just don't believe me.

But more and more lately I have stopped feeling "girly." I didn't feel very girly before really, when I was little I dressed in tracksuits, played football and absolutely hated dresses. As I got older I would dress more "femininely" but I have never been interested in things all these 'other women' are supposed to gossip about and enjoy.

That's never ever bovered me, I never felt like I was missing out or that I should try and fit in, but I dunno, lately I've felt like a massive fraud when I'm around other people. When I'm with Dan, I just feel like me. But when I'm with say a group of girls I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, I have no idea what they are talking about, I don't look or dress like them...but I also feel like I don't have the same mannerisms as them, something more fundemental.

I've also never ever felt attractive, well, not in a physical way. Say I went out to a pub wearing a pretty dress I would feel horribly self-conscious, like people would look at me and think "why on earth is she dressed like that?" I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like a fraud when I try and act like a girl, but I have absolutely no desire to act like a boy.


I guess really it doesn't matter, I can just be me, but for the last few months I feel like a stranger in my own body. I don't feel like I can be sexy and attractive, but I don't feel like I can get on my bike in a pair of shorts with unshaved legs and not give a damn.

Headache

I haven't had a headache for such a long time...but I've had a really horrible one for the last two days. I was saying to Dan just on Monday how much I am enjoying not having headaches anymore. Damn.

Work is going really badly too. I have lost all interest in it, and no matter how much work I do no one notices. And to top it all off nicely, this awful man keeps harrassing and bordering on bullying me. But I really don't know what to do, even though I have been here nearly three years I'm still just a temp, so if I complained they don't have to do anything and could sack me and brush it all under the carpet if they want to.

I hate that 8 hours of my life every day is spent/wasted here.

I really want that to change, and I'm trying to write up a business plan for an absolutely amazing business idea, it's just when I get home I am so drained and fed up from this job I can't bear to do anything.

In other news...I'm seriously considering respraying my bike sunshine yellow and getting all nice tan leather accessories. I just don't know how to go about respraying a bike...

picture by mjm

Cycling!

As much as I absolutely love riding my bike and anything to do with cycling I hate hate how male dominated it is. Not just cycling as a sport, but how many other male cyclists I see cutting me up on the roads of the elitist bike shops that treat girls like idiots.

I went to Toyko Fixed the other day and there was a gang of guys all standing in a huddle looking at some bike part. I was looking at the locks and no one thought to ask if I needed any help, and when I chose one it took me about 5 minutes to get their attention to pay for it. Then the guy who sold it to me just grunted at me to put my card in the machine and shoved it in a bag. A male customer came in at the same time and they all flocked to him offering help and talking to him about bikes.

When I got the lock back home it was too big to fit on my bike and when I was trying to get it off I a bit snapped off, so I'm going to have to attempt to take it back. I can't wait.

Urgh, and on the wall they had a calander with bikes of half naked Japanese girls straddling bikes in such practical locations as bath tubs. I guess that explains quite a bit.

Zines!

Spring is here! I know it sounds lame but I feel happier already. When the sun is shining I don't want to be cramped up inside and I feel like I can do anything! I know soon enough I will be complaining about being too hot, I think the thing I actually like suspense, knowing every day it will get a bit warmer and the days a bit longer.

So today seems like a good day to have my zine all done and finished!

 

 So there it is. I finished it once in October, then loads of crap happened and nothing in the zine seemed relevant so I ripped it up and started again. I really really got back into the idea of making zines while making this issue and I'm planning the next one already. I finally feel like I have something to say again.

This issue is mainly about cycling, being evicted, tattoos, open relationships, being inspired...there's lots of drawings too. 

If anyone would like to buy a copy or trade let me know in the comments. It will be £1.50 and 50p postage to UK and £1.00 anywhere else.

House!

I've found a place!

Really don't want to jinx it, but I'm just too happy and excited about it not to tell anyone! Here's a little picture of the outside:

It's not actually the whole house, it's split into flats, but it's still bigger than any other flat I've lived at in London! The bay window is where the front room is, and it's huge. Lovely big sofas, a telly, loads of bookshelves...ha, you can tell I haven't lived in a super nice house for a while! And then just behind the bush on the left is the window to my room. It's nice and cosy, just the right size, but the girls were saying that they mostly all sit together in the front room.

The rent is £280 a month...yep, a month! My last place was £617 a month, now I can pay the rent with one weeks wages! It means I won't have to worry about money, I'll be able to do more of the things I want to and perhaps even work a few less hours at my job.

But the best thing is the other people who live there! Two girls who are about a year or two older than me, and they are lovely. It's really nice meeting people who are similar to you. I was gobsmacked when I told them I make zines and they not only knew what they were but said they make them too!

So, just have to get my stuff over there and then hope I pass the credit check with the agency to get on the letting agreement.

So excited!