28 May 2010

I don't think my job is doing much for my mental well-being. I've never really acknowledged the problems and insecurites I've had with my mental health, I've always thought that if I admit it I will make myself weaker, and I've always had a hard time taking myself seriously.

Sitting at this desk for 8 hours a day, in complete silence, not interacting with anyone is slowing grinding me down. I am so bored and lonely that I am nearly in tears.

I have never been a particularly confident person and find it quite hard to interact with people. When I'm meeting new people my mind goes blank, my voice goes monotone and I stutter. I can't stand being hugged or people standing too close. And it's getting worse, when I leave work I can't even function as a person around Dan. My words (if I can find them) come out jerky and I just feel crippled with anxiety.

Urgh, I hate it. And I hate talking/moaning about it.

In other news, the ceilings in my house are falling down due to massive leaks. My flatmates room completely flooded and she can't live there anymore. I don't want to live there particularly but I'm stuck there for the time being.

I was doing so well with the new diet, I'd cut out dairy completely, but the last few weeks I've felt awful and have been eating loads of crap and have put on half a stone again. It's not very noticable, but it's worrying me. Dan is doing so well and is so motivated to lose weight and keep fit, he goes to the gym and eats really well, and I just sit at home eating icecream. I don't want it to become an issue between us, or a competition. I just can't motivate myself to keep up.

I'm going to try and have a productive weekend, I'm going to the London Zine Symposium of Saturday (hopefully with some some copies of Pillow Talk), going to get tattooed on Monday and maybe going to a quilt exhibition at the V&A on Tuesday as I have the day off work (unpaid mind) cos it's the Queen's birthday. Let's hope the combination of three of my favourite things and four days off work cheer me up eh?


  1. I hope you have a good weekend! I wanted to go to the zine symposium but then I found out it's Bournemouth Ink tattoo convention this weekend... & then I found out I'm working so I can't go anyway. double disappointment.

    I'm doing OK on my diet, I'm trying to eat natural high energy foods instead of cookies/muffins. the aim of my diet is to be healthy enough that I'm not exhausted by the end of the day & miss my stop because I fell asleep on the bus (this is happening twice a week at the moment).

  2. I have the same problem with confidence and meeting people. I'm extremely shy and it hinders me when meeting new people and at interviews. The good thing is that I've got better as i've got older and challenged myself, by moving to London etc, so things do get better it just seems to take forever.

    ps. See you at the zine symposium x.x.x.

  3. i know we just talked about this, but i just want to reassure you that i know exactly what you mean.

    i'm really struggling with mental health things at the moment too, compounded by work issues. it's been worrying, and i haven't told people about it. (even taki doesn't know the extent of it.)

    it's easy to feel like you're cracking up when you spend so little time doing things for yourself, and besides getting another job, i don't know what can be done about it. i feel so trapped at my job. i hate it and resent it, dragging me further away from what i want every week that i stay there. a lot of the time i feel so bad that i can't even be honest with myself about it.

    i want to cycle every day, lose weight, and have more confidence in myself but none of it seems possible.

    but. WE HAVE PLANS. we have to remember the plans. i think we'll be ok in the end. or we won't, but we'll have loads of cool tattoos, and cats and bicycles anyway, which will make life a bit better.

  4. Hey there!
    Sorry to hear about the job and the house and all that crap. I hope you enjoyed your extended weekend and are feeling better.
    Just wanted to let you know that I managed to get to the post office yesterday. so I guess you should have something in your mailbox in about a week or so (never know exactly how long it takes them to deliver stuff). <3