I feel queer....

Could anyone recommend me some good queer zines/blogs/books?

Lately I've seen it pop up in zines and blogs I've read and I feel quite drawn to it as an idea. I don't know if it is something I'd want to identify as, cos it seems to be something beyond labels, but I think it could help me with some of the crap I've been feeling and thinking lately.

I just don't feel like anything lately, I don't feel "feminine" or particularly "masculine." I don't know if I'm attracted to men or women, or just people? I've always found the sexuality bit confusing, and hard to talk about because I am going out with a guy so everyone just assumes I am heterosexual and if I ever bring it up I feel like I have to justify having a boyfriend or people just don't believe me.

But more and more lately I have stopped feeling "girly." I didn't feel very girly before really, when I was little I dressed in tracksuits, played football and absolutely hated dresses. As I got older I would dress more "femininely" but I have never been interested in things all these 'other women' are supposed to gossip about and enjoy.

That's never ever bovered me, I never felt like I was missing out or that I should try and fit in, but I dunno, lately I've felt like a massive fraud when I'm around other people. When I'm with Dan, I just feel like me. But when I'm with say a group of girls I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, I have no idea what they are talking about, I don't look or dress like them...but I also feel like I don't have the same mannerisms as them, something more fundemental.

I've also never ever felt attractive, well, not in a physical way. Say I went out to a pub wearing a pretty dress I would feel horribly self-conscious, like people would look at me and think "why on earth is she dressed like that?" I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like a fraud when I try and act like a girl, but I have absolutely no desire to act like a boy.


I guess really it doesn't matter, I can just be me, but for the last few months I feel like a stranger in my own body. I don't feel like I can be sexy and attractive, but I don't feel like I can get on my bike in a pair of shorts with unshaved legs and not give a damn.

Headache

I haven't had a headache for such a long time...but I've had a really horrible one for the last two days. I was saying to Dan just on Monday how much I am enjoying not having headaches anymore. Damn.

Work is going really badly too. I have lost all interest in it, and no matter how much work I do no one notices. And to top it all off nicely, this awful man keeps harrassing and bordering on bullying me. But I really don't know what to do, even though I have been here nearly three years I'm still just a temp, so if I complained they don't have to do anything and could sack me and brush it all under the carpet if they want to.

I hate that 8 hours of my life every day is spent/wasted here.

I really want that to change, and I'm trying to write up a business plan for an absolutely amazing business idea, it's just when I get home I am so drained and fed up from this job I can't bear to do anything.

In other news...I'm seriously considering respraying my bike sunshine yellow and getting all nice tan leather accessories. I just don't know how to go about respraying a bike...

picture by mjm

Cycling!

As much as I absolutely love riding my bike and anything to do with cycling I hate hate how male dominated it is. Not just cycling as a sport, but how many other male cyclists I see cutting me up on the roads of the elitist bike shops that treat girls like idiots.

I went to Toyko Fixed the other day and there was a gang of guys all standing in a huddle looking at some bike part. I was looking at the locks and no one thought to ask if I needed any help, and when I chose one it took me about 5 minutes to get their attention to pay for it. Then the guy who sold it to me just grunted at me to put my card in the machine and shoved it in a bag. A male customer came in at the same time and they all flocked to him offering help and talking to him about bikes.

When I got the lock back home it was too big to fit on my bike and when I was trying to get it off I a bit snapped off, so I'm going to have to attempt to take it back. I can't wait.

Urgh, and on the wall they had a calander with bikes of half naked Japanese girls straddling bikes in such practical locations as bath tubs. I guess that explains quite a bit.

Zines!

Spring is here! I know it sounds lame but I feel happier already. When the sun is shining I don't want to be cramped up inside and I feel like I can do anything! I know soon enough I will be complaining about being too hot, I think the thing I actually like suspense, knowing every day it will get a bit warmer and the days a bit longer.

So today seems like a good day to have my zine all done and finished!

 

 So there it is. I finished it once in October, then loads of crap happened and nothing in the zine seemed relevant so I ripped it up and started again. I really really got back into the idea of making zines while making this issue and I'm planning the next one already. I finally feel like I have something to say again.

This issue is mainly about cycling, being evicted, tattoos, open relationships, being inspired...there's lots of drawings too. 

If anyone would like to buy a copy or trade let me know in the comments. It will be £1.50 and 50p postage to UK and £1.00 anywhere else.

House!

I've found a place!

Really don't want to jinx it, but I'm just too happy and excited about it not to tell anyone! Here's a little picture of the outside:

It's not actually the whole house, it's split into flats, but it's still bigger than any other flat I've lived at in London! The bay window is where the front room is, and it's huge. Lovely big sofas, a telly, loads of bookshelves...ha, you can tell I haven't lived in a super nice house for a while! And then just behind the bush on the left is the window to my room. It's nice and cosy, just the right size, but the girls were saying that they mostly all sit together in the front room.

The rent is £280 a month...yep, a month! My last place was £617 a month, now I can pay the rent with one weeks wages! It means I won't have to worry about money, I'll be able to do more of the things I want to and perhaps even work a few less hours at my job.

But the best thing is the other people who live there! Two girls who are about a year or two older than me, and they are lovely. It's really nice meeting people who are similar to you. I was gobsmacked when I told them I make zines and they not only knew what they were but said they make them too!

So, just have to get my stuff over there and then hope I pass the credit check with the agency to get on the letting agreement.

So excited!