19 March 2010

I feel queer....

Could anyone recommend me some good queer zines/blogs/books?

Lately I've seen it pop up in zines and blogs I've read and I feel quite drawn to it as an idea. I don't know if it is something I'd want to identify as, cos it seems to be something beyond labels, but I think it could help me with some of the crap I've been feeling and thinking lately.

I just don't feel like anything lately, I don't feel "feminine" or particularly "masculine." I don't know if I'm attracted to men or women, or just people? I've always found the sexuality bit confusing, and hard to talk about because I am going out with a guy so everyone just assumes I am heterosexual and if I ever bring it up I feel like I have to justify having a boyfriend or people just don't believe me.

But more and more lately I have stopped feeling "girly." I didn't feel very girly before really, when I was little I dressed in tracksuits, played football and absolutely hated dresses. As I got older I would dress more "femininely" but I have never been interested in things all these 'other women' are supposed to gossip about and enjoy.

That's never ever bovered me, I never felt like I was missing out or that I should try and fit in, but I dunno, lately I've felt like a massive fraud when I'm around other people. When I'm with Dan, I just feel like me. But when I'm with say a group of girls I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, I have no idea what they are talking about, I don't look or dress like them...but I also feel like I don't have the same mannerisms as them, something more fundemental.

I've also never ever felt attractive, well, not in a physical way. Say I went out to a pub wearing a pretty dress I would feel horribly self-conscious, like people would look at me and think "why on earth is she dressed like that?" I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like a fraud when I try and act like a girl, but I have absolutely no desire to act like a boy.

I guess really it doesn't matter, I can just be me, but for the last few months I feel like a stranger in my own body. I don't feel like I can be sexy and attractive, but I don't feel like I can get on my bike in a pair of shorts with unshaved legs and not give a damn.


  1. I completely understand where your coming from.
    I started to feel alienated towards my friends when I started reading feminist theory (I dont feel that I am better than them but more aware of my rights and possibly on a different level of feminine consciousness).
    The daily sacrifices they make to try and live up to societies standards of what a girl is boggles my mind and I usually do not participate.
    I love what it means to be a girl I love wearing dresses and makeup and I love to look and feel feminine but I draw the line when it comes to things like shaving and tanning.

    Just be yourself and if you want then blur inbetween the line of gender stereotypes to what makes you feel comfortable!

  2. it's natural, we were not born the same way, and none of us will be exactly the same. whatever makes you comfortable, the people who put at ease, these are the things you surround your life with. feeling queer is normal, a lot of us do. don't let it live your life though, make it you.

    i shave once every two months. and people i love don't care- especially my boyfriend- who's also Dan. :)