Could anyone recommend me some good queer zines/blogs/books?
Lately I've seen it pop up in zines and blogs I've read and I feel quite drawn to it as an idea. I don't know if it is something I'd want to identify as, cos it seems to be something beyond labels, but I think it could help me with some of the crap I've been feeling and thinking lately.
I just don't feel like anything lately, I don't feel "feminine" or particularly "masculine." I don't know if I'm attracted to men or women, or just people? I've always found the sexuality bit confusing, and hard to talk about because I am going out with a guy so everyone just assumes I am heterosexual and if I ever bring it up I feel like I have to justify having a boyfriend or people just don't believe me.
But more and more lately I have stopped feeling "girly." I didn't feel very girly before really, when I was little I dressed in tracksuits, played football and absolutely hated dresses. As I got older I would dress more "femininely" but I have never been interested in things all these 'other women' are supposed to gossip about and enjoy.
That's never ever bovered me, I never felt like I was missing out or that I should try and fit in, but I dunno, lately I've felt like a massive fraud when I'm around other people. When I'm with Dan, I just feel like me. But when I'm with say a group of girls I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, I have no idea what they are talking about, I don't look or dress like them...but I also feel like I don't have the same mannerisms as them, something more fundemental.
I've also never ever felt attractive, well, not in a physical way. Say I went out to a pub wearing a pretty dress I would feel horribly self-conscious, like people would look at me and think "why on earth is she dressed like that?" I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel like a fraud when I try and act like a girl, but I have absolutely no desire to act like a boy.
I guess really it doesn't matter, I can just be me, but for the last few months I feel like a stranger in my own body. I don't feel like I can be sexy and attractive, but I don't feel like I can get on my bike in a pair of shorts with unshaved legs and not give a damn.